In love and life in general

*Emo to mga bakla. Fair warning lang*

I got a boyfriend now. We became a couple while going back from a short trip to Tagaytay. Now, for someone who has been single most of her life, this is a huge, not to mention unthinkable, leap for me. I have many issues when it comes to relationships and that’s mainly the reason why I didn’t really try hard enough to be with anyone. Being with someone just scares the living daylights out of me, you know? I do not like depending on someone for anything because I might get used to it. There are no guarantees that they will be there always. You know how it is with love and all the risks that come with it.

I really thought I was way too jaded to handle any form of relationship with any man. I guess it helped that I’m definitely no sentimental fool. I used to not get swayed with thoughts of romance and all that bullshit but something changed, man.

Love is a funny thing, really. After having a horrendous 2009, I vowed that I would make 2010 better. My initial plan was to move back to the city, re-connect with old friends and just repair the damages years spent on being angry has caused.

I’d like to think my plan was a success and this kind of resulted in a nice surprise. I fell in love. Now, I will say that I certainly did not expect to be in love with anyone much more do stuff to nurture the relationship I have with that person. In fact, being with someone was the farthest thing from my mind. I did not want it and honestly, I did not think I need it. My track record speaks for itself. I was very determined on avoiding  dating and my plan was to stay single for a long, long time. However, I did  fell in love and I’m now neck-deep in sentimental shit that used to make me gag not too long ago. Now I smile alone often and it is weirding Dimitri out.

He is an extremely wonderful person and I count my lucky stars that I finally came around and took a chance at being happy. It’s a nice change, I’m no longer as angry at the world as I used to be. I, for the first time, see things differently.

It’s very hard to articulate what I feel about him or what I want to do in order to make him happy but I will do my darnedest. To be quite honest, I didn’t really expect him to turn into my boyfriend. As I got to know him, however, I admired him for the person that he was and loved the person that he is now. It’s really hard to explain. I can’t quite say for sure when it started but I’m glad because making an important choice such as this felt right and natural.

I’m also realistic. I know it’s not all about rainbows and butterflies. I’m aware that relationships require work, endless compromise and understanding. Again, I will my best. I know he deserves the best of me and well, we’ve been friends for so long I’m pretty sure he can put up with my worst. I’m happy there’s someone out there who I can turn to for comfort, laughter, and everything else in between. I do feel wary about depending on anyone for anything and I will not lie and say I’ve let go of that fear. But I’m working on it.

It’s scary because you know, once you give your heart to someone, you can’t have it back. If you do manage to get it back, it’s never the same, sometimes it will come in pieces. That’s a scary thought, something that I cannot, for many years, get over with. Again, I’m working on it.

I guess, 2010 is not all about reconnection after all. It’s mostly about me learning lessons, reconciling with the past and experiencing things for the first time. I’m extremely pleased. Will shut up nao.

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