Suspended Animation

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning because I was about to leave the province and start anew with this new company I found myself in. It was hard and I’m still coping with the idea of not playing with my brother, making patty-cakes and playing mock-golf games anymore. I hate this. I wish there could be some way that I could be satisfied living in my hometown and not feel as if I’m taking a permanent vacation from life itself. That’s basically the reason why I wanted to start working again and as much as I tried being satisfied with being a small town girl, I couldn’t. Damn ambitions to hell.

My brother insisted on sending me off to the bus station. I think that’s what made things even harder, waving good-bye to him as I boarded the bus. He gave me a tight smile, trying to look happy and brave for me as the bus drove off and it totally broke my heart. For a minute there, I wanted to get the hell out of the bus and never leave. Of course, common sense dictated that I stop this foolishness now and be mature about things that I have no control over. I’m still in the process of putting my shit together so that I could work efficiently. Hah, fat chance.

I have a long night awaiting me in the city and as always, I didn’t bother preparing myself for it which is moronic since this exact same scenario happened to me several times already and obviously I never learned anything. It took me three hours to get to the metro and another three hours to make it home in Pasig. I was bone-tired and was very much worried if I could muster up the strength to perform well on my first day.

First days are always rough for me and I daresay, this wouldn’t be any different. I haven’t started out my job and yet I could already feel the old aches and pains that come with stress from work. I was lucky enough to score a quick power nap before I went to my new office. At least the fatigue wore off even for just an hour. I think I was already in dreamland way before my head hit the pillow.

I think six hours worth of traveling and mind-numbing traffic during rush hour were the easy part. Making my way to the office proved to be much more challenging than I expected. I woke up to the sound of incessant raining and it wouldn’t let up even as I left the house an hour later. I had to out-maneuver huge puddles at ten in the evening and prayed to high heavens not to get too soaked before I could score a cab. Neither thing happened. I was stuck in the middle of the night waiting for a cab for twenty minutes with soggy shoes and even soggier jeans. Oh, it’s going to be a long day in the office alright.

Thankfully, I was able to make it to the office without delay. So far, my only gripe in the new office are the rules. There were so many of them that I felt a bit suffocated just trying to keep track. Am I just too laid-back for these kinds of things? I dunno. I certainly had no one who can relate to this particular feeling because I’m the only writer around. No mobile phones, no bags, no IM, no talking in Tagalog, networking sites are out of the question, no blogs to read, I’m not allowed to make blogs of my own, no nuthin’. I felt like the room was shrinking and for the first time, I saw the errors of my ways. I knew long before I left Iweb that I made a mistake when I resigned. Two companies later, I am as sure as the sun rises to the East, that I was wrong. I got too indulgent, arrogant and greedy. I see it now and I’m so sorry. I’m currently living one of my worst nightmare. Sitting in-front of a pc with great internet connection and yet I can’t touch it so I’m stuck in suspended animation. It’s like, I’m stuck starving on an island for weeks and somebody offers me lechon and yet I’m only allowed to smell it. It’s driving me bonkers. Just thinking about the hours and days ahead is making me a bit fidgety.

Another thing that I didn’t see coming was when the boss had me talking to my other boss via phone patch. I seem to have developed an irrational fear of talking on the phone with clients, a souvenir I got after my brief stint as a call center agent. I dreaded it every time I hear the ringing of the telephone and I guess I carried that fear long after I was over with being a CSR. I couldn’t even hide my fear and displeasure over talking to clients on the phone to my boss. It was very embarrassing and I can see he was dismayed. I can’t blame him because I was way more dismayed. I felt like a complete amateur and had this sudden mental picture of me throwing up all over my keyboard, hehehe. The experience was so godawful I totally lost my appetite. And since I’m prone to gastritis, I can’t have none of that. Lemme tell something, forcing oneself to eat cardboard-tasting French fries in the dead of the night just so one can stay awake long enough to call one’s client is proving to be a very harrowing experience.

I can only pray that I have the good sense to stay here for a year lest they make me pay. I had my share of first days going awry but this is different. I know now that I dived in too deep without thinking and now I’m overwhelmed with the coming waves. Oh, shit, did you read what I just wrote? This experience is bringing out the poet in me, hahahahaha!

I want to run away from here and go back to country living. I wish I could just do that, instead I’m stuck here wasting away, waiting endlessly for instructions that seems to me, won’t come. I have this persistent feeling that this is a mistake and that I don’t belong here at all. What the hell was I thinking?! The only thing keeping me from walking out from this is the contract that I oh-so-eagerfuckingly-signed. I won’t have anyone thinking I’m being unprofessional in any way.

Incredibly, not even money can motivate me right now. Ah, well… there’s always a first time for everything. Also (and I thought I’d never say this), I miss porn. Alas, I must not wallow.