Anger Management, Making Amends and Conspiracy Theories

I’ve been thinking about some sordid things lately. I always abhor the idea of being in a large group and maybe that’s because I stand witness at how a seemingly petty misunderstanding could turn ugly. Saw that in HS and saw it in College. That’s why as a rule, I only keep a small circle of friends. But when I think of it now, smaller circles of friends also have their glitches. Oh well, we all aren’t born perfect.

I did something pretty assholic seven months ago. I knew I stand to lose a close, if not the closest, friend I have. Unfortunately, my mind was so warped with anger that I pretty much wasn’t thinking straight.

This is the part where I start eating my words. I know myself well enough to say that I tend to be unforgiving of people’s fault while overlooking my own shortcomings. It’s a fault and I don’t intend to make any excuses for it. It’s good to know that I did came around long enough to forgive when it’s due and also to be forgiven as well.

Recent events led me me to a very eye-opening realization. I felt that I needed to do something right for a change and that’s exactly what I did. I started the conversation with a sentence that goes something like “I had a sudden realization”and ended up making amends. I feel good.

Firstly, that that was one of the worst seven months of my life. Not only because I shunned the Ex-Bestfriend but also the impact of it led to a string of other disasters. When I think about it now, maybe I was just acting out because the shit keep pilling up.

Secondly, that I expect too much from people. That demanding the same courtesy from people, no matter how much you deserve it, is not something that most people do.

Thirdly and this was the easiest to figure out, re-connecting with old friends are just awesome! Being in a friendless state pretty much opened up my eyes to this kind of shit and it’s great.

For a minute there, I was in a very strange place. The sadder part is that no one really asked me if I’m alright. Granted, I looked as if I’m taking things in stride. Truth of the matter is that, I was lying when I said I was okay, I should’ve just let it all out in the first place. I should’ve seen that as a sign, that’s I may be hanging out with the wrong crowd because emotionally, I was a mess and nobody bothered to stop and ask me how I have been holding up.

Now before you go and think to yourself, “Why do you need to be asked if you’re okay? Are you this self-centered? Do you think the whole universe would stop revolving the minute you start feeling shitty?” Lemme explain.

I have this weird idea about friendship that I live by. When I ask a friend how is s/he is doing, I really wanna know. Am I making sense? I don’t ask this just to break the ice as most people I know do all the time. I want that person to tell me exactly what’s bothering him/her because I’m curious. I’m curious because I care. So naturally, I was expecting that they’d do the same thing for me. Buuuut again, this is the part where the whole not-expecting-anything-from-people lesson would come in.

Last night, as I was coming in terms of my anger over everything I had a clear vision of how I see myself. Like a perfect apple, bright and red. But when you cut it in half, it’s rotten. This self-hate thing is something I have yet to cope up with but I think I’m making progress.

Things has been looking up lately though the past weeks has been quite a shitty ride. A shitty ride that involves people and their silly, silly conspiracy. BUT. I think from this point on, I I can now hate lesser people and actually be totally cool with people no matter how much or how often they go behind my back and conspire. Fuck them, as long as I got a few trusted friends I can really count on. That’s one of the greatest feeling ever.