Doble-Cara Moment

For me, June started out with a bang so loud, my ears are still ringing up to now. My plight to Moni-dom has officially started and so far, I’m getting my ass kicked around. I’m currently juggling three jobs that requires patience. I’m not what you’d call a patient person and I fantasized about suddenly screaming my head off while I start to whack my monitor using my keyboard just to let it all out more times than I care to count.

If it wasn’t for my sheer will and determination to swim in a Olympic-sized pool filled with monies and bright, shiny objects, I’d rather go fishing or maybe go home and watch some cute Korean Telenovellas so I can distract myself from watching my mediocre life pass me by.

Sometimes I wish my life is as action-packed as reel life, y’know? Ever since I bought this cheapass DVD player, I began acting like the ultimate hermit. Like I said, as soon as I hit the keyboard, I juggle three gigs then go straight home, unlike before where I would beg Paeng, Rhae and Peter to hang-out with me after shift. Having had a recent falling-out with the Ex-Bestfriend made things worse. It fanned my growing hatred for people in general, confirmed my suspicions that relationships romantic or otherwise, are just disappointments waiting to happen and as much as I try to shake off these thoughts but it just won’t go away.

Despite the anger, I still wanna forgive her and hang-out with her and be BFF again. Being friendless sucks so bad sometimes I wanna smack my own mug for turning out to be this horribly spiteful person. I have no idea exactly when I started hating myself but sometimes I find that I do. More than the usual, in fact. I get up in the morning and I can’t help mocking myself. No friends, no life and no fucking direction. Too proud to be sorry and too damn stubborn to take the Ex-Bestfriend back and with only take-outs and useless DVDs to keep me company. How lame is that?

The no friends part is my fault. I seem to have mastered the art of disappearing on my old friends, ignoring their presence until they get tired of asking me how am I doing. The thing is, loneliness is second nature to me that I’m not really depressed about the whole thing which is weird. Some would say I’m in denial but I dunno. I’m having trouble putting things to words so I’ll break it down…

Tina 1: I’m sad that I’m friendless, I recognize my mistakes and feel that I should’ve tried my best to keep my temper and pride in control so things wouldn’t be as shitty as this.

Tina 2: Dude I’m so not at fault at this. She deserves to be deserted because she is a worthless piece of shit. Oh, remember the time she ditched you for her other friends? You went home ALONE at 3 in the morning when she promised you she’d crash at your place because it’s not safe to go home alone at 3 in the fucking morning. Did she cared enough about your safety? Of course not! She was too busy getting piss drunk! Boohoo, get over it.

Tina 1: But if memory serves me right, I actually dedicated at least three posts about her which means that this is a very important issue to me. Why harp on and on about someone if you don’t care about ’em, right?

Tina 2: It’s because I hate her. She never tried hard enough. Not then and obviously not now. She is a lousy best friend who can’t even get her shit together. Her mother knew about it and now, you do too. What I need is closure.

Tina 1: This is a great time in your life to make better friends. You know even your other friends hates you, right?

Tina 2: Also, Can I just say, stop saying I have no friends, of course I have friends. They just don’t care and so do I.

Tina 1: I’m not happy but I’m not too sad about it either. I’m “okay” with it. I guess you could say, I’ve become too jaded for my own good. But I hate hating this person because I don’t enjoy hating anyone. It’s bothersome and pointless.

Tina 2: So I’ll leave it at that.